Monday, March 18, 2013
Giving it all I've got
I really do try to avoid complaining or whining or any of that, especially on ye old blog...
I really am blessed and grateful for it.
But for right now, I'm telling it how it is.
I'm giving it all I've got... and it's wearing me out.
"It" mostly referring to grad school... but you can throw everything else about life in there too... church stuff, personal stuff, all that.
Have you ever invested so much of yourself in something that you literally can't do more?
Enough that the stress makes you sick and your hair falls out to the point that your pony tail is half as thick as it was a few years ago?
Enough that your body literally cannot get enough sleep and it stops working right?
Enough that your mind is constantly running and never quits even though you just wish you could get one. moment. of. quiet. in. there.
*shrugs* That's how I'm feeling right now.
Here's a story that might illustrate this for you...
Yesterday I realized that I had some bone-in, skin-on chicken thighs in the freezer that probably needed to be used soon, so I thawed them enough to take the skin off, threw them in a small slow cooker with some bbq sauce, mustard, worchestershire sauce, and some hot sauce. I put the crock in the fridge and figured I'd start it in the morning and we could have a quick dinner today with the chicken, a packet of instant potatoes, and lots of green salad.
Last night I went to bed around midnight... I tossed and turned and finally started falling asleep around 1:00.
Bryan came to bed at 1:30 or so and I woke up.
I couldn't get comfortable after that...couldn't fall asleep...nothing... I was so tired that I couldn't sleep.
At about 2:00 I got up and went to the bathroom.
I feel asleep sometime after that...
...and then sometime in the middle of the night woke up feeling absolute panic and dread and fear...
...of what I don't know...but it was scary.
I fell asleep sometime after that, and when I got up this morning at about 8:00 I about fell over I was so tired.
So I slept for another hour, got ready, started the chicken, and went to school later than I'd planned.
I had so much to do today and I was being fairly productive, but all day long I just felt such anxiety...
...never before in my life have I not been able to manage my stress to the point that I have anxiety. I'd never felt anything like that before and it was pretty humbling and sort of scary.
I made it through my day just fine, but the anxiety and stress affected me enough I became physically ill...which is no fun at all.
Bryan and I walked home after my class ended tonight and I was saying how I didn't feel good enough to eat right away but that I'd make something in a little while.
...and then we walked in the house and I saw a crockpot of chicken on the counter! :)
I'd totally forgotten about it.
That was pretty nice of me, eh?
It's true when people say things about how grad school totally changes who you are... there's no way you could go through anything like this -- where you literally invest everything you've got even down to the last hairs that you hope aren't clogging the drain after a shower -- and not be a changed person.
I may not make it out of this in one piece,
but I sure hope that I'm a better person because of it.
Posted by Lindsay at 11:19 PM